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Graduation time is just around the corner, and although we are happy that our senior friends will be going on to bigger and better things, we will miss them desperately. So desperately, in fact, that we secretly wish in our heart of hearts that they had failed all of their Spring classes, and were forced to stay with us for just one more glorious semester. However, our senior friends are successful and smart Winners (that’s why we love them so much), and they would never fail all of their classes. They will be at Yankee Stadium in a few weeks, celebrating leaving us lost and lonely, and we’re just going to have to deal with it.
1. Stop by the Union Square farmers market, and pick up a fresh watermelon. Make sure it is as smooth, juicy, and promising as the senior you are replacing.
2. Carve out the watermelon with a large carving knife and eat the fruit inside. Chew intensely. This is your chance to take out any remaining frustrations you have about your senior friend entering your life, winning your heart, earning a place on your iPhone “favorites” list, and then getting on a plane for Colorado and NEVER returning.
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3. Print out your senior friend’s best Instagram selfie and slap it on the watermelon with some double-sided Scotch tape, or Elmer’s extra-strength glue.
4. Fill the hollow melon with mementos of your senior friend. Those Phantom of the Opera tickets stubs from that time you two saw Phantom of the Opera, a silly polaroid picture, the postcard you picked up on your Cony Island adventure, their apartment key they don’t know you have, a chunk of their hair. Pack it all in with some colored assorted tissue paper.
5. Take a cheap display mannequin, and attach the newly decorated watermelon to the mannequin with your trusty double-sided Scotch tape, or Elmer’s extra-strength glue.
6. Dress the mannequin with clothes from your senior friend’s closet. Be sure that these are clothes your senior friend wears on a regular basis, in order to achieve a realistic effect. If the clothes do not properly fit your mannequin, pin the clothes wherever needed using Singer Pearlized Head Straight Pins, and write a reminder on a Post-It Note to take the clothes to the tailor for hemming.
7. Seat the mannequin at a desk and place a 13-inch Macbook Air in front of it. Arrange the mannequin’s arms so it appears as though it is stressfully working on its senior thesis, just like in the good old days.
8. To top it all off, spray the project head to toe with your senior friend’s Viva La Juicy perfume, or Axe body spray.