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Do you ever get little reminders of your past self that make you want to switch your major to Physics, and then go on to get a Ph.D. in Physics from MIT, and then spend the next 60 years of your life alone in a garage in Alaska inventing a time machine, so that finally when you’re wild, grey, and 80 you can go back to 2008 and just slap yourself across the face really, really hard?
Well, I got a little reminder like that the other day.
I was casually scrolling through my homepage on YouTube, not really planning on watching anything, just scrolling to scroll (because if you stop scrolling, you die)— when I came across this:
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Here’s a closer look:
In the politics section, “we luv john mccain” by alexwolffan13.
It’s me. I’m alexwolffan13. At least, I used to be.
I like to think of alexwolffan13 as the anti-me, or Nega Cassidy. 9 years younger, and the complete opposite of who I am today in almost every single way possible. I’d say that our only similarities are our love of the Naked Brother’s Band, and…that’s about it.
11-year-old Cassidy was a really fun combination of “John McCain fan” and “ignorant person who knows nothing about politics, absolutely nothing.” She also loved to make videos on Windows Movie Maker and post them online for the entire world to see. I’m sure she had good intentions, and I know that she grows up to be a great person; however, right now I’m going to compare her to a Trump supporter because she just seems so misinformed and insane.
This video belongs in a toilet, but, like some other things that belong in toilets, it’s kind of funny. Also, it humbles me. So, I’m going to leave it up forever. I realized that when I watch it I get the same, bewildered feeling that I get when I try to watch Donald Trump speak. So I’m going to talk you through it, but not as myself, because I truly cannot make any sense of it. Instead, I’m going to try to explain the video using Trump logic.
Hmmmmm…well…John McCain isn’t a war hero because he was captured…and I like people who weren’t captured, like myself. I wasn’t captured because I didn’t even fight. I’m smart. However, even though John McCain is a wuss, we still support him because he’s against Roe v. Wade, Sex Ed. & contraception, gay marriage, gun control, etc. 🙂 Also, he voted in favor of Betsy DeVos!
Sarah Palin is a lovely woman. She can rock my socks any day, and I don’t care who knows it. I’ve always had a thing for hockey moms that hate themselves. They may not have won the election, but they won in life amiright? Well, maybe not, but everyone was talking about it. That’s what really matters.
I never go to my wife for advice, on anything. Honestly, I try not to even look at her. Women don’t know much about politics, they’re too busy…idk…honestly I don’t know what women do. Shave their legs and try to get my attention? Shoo me out of their dressing rooms? Idk. Anyways, don’t trust them ever.
Okay, I lied. A few weeks ago I went up to Melania and I was like “should I try to ban people from all Muslim countries except Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and the UAE, which are the countries of origin of the people responsible for 94.1% of American deaths due to terrorist attacks on U.S. soil?” and she was like “hmm probably” so I DID.
Joe Biden has said he is a practicing Catholic, but I don’t buy it. Where are the receipts? Let me see his Catholic certificate, then I’ll believe him.
As I’ve said, I do love the Palins, and they love me.
*This is the part of the video when the tribal music kicks in. No, really.*
It’s all about SEX and ETHOS, people. Winky faces are sexy, and everyone believes sexy people. Also, it has been proven that the more houses you have, the more people will believe the things that you say. And I’ve got so many, people aren’t even sure how many. I’m not even sure. Have you seen my tower though? It’s shiny. Everybody loves it.
We need to bring the fur trade back into this country and get Americans back into those animal-skinning jobs that they rightfully…wait what? It’s a spelling error? Oh! Country first. Well that’s an honest mistake. I’ve never been great at spelling either.
Peace is self explanatory. Who doesn’t love peace?
Oh jeez. Blossom is the most powerful and HOTTEST Power Puff girl. Everyone knows she’s the best. Everyone believes her. I’ll tell ya, if I had to choose between Blossom and Bono to endorse me I’d choose Blossom and shoot Bono. She is a FANTASTIC endorsement. Well done, Johnny.
*end of video*