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Ah, the Super Bowl– a time of snacks, the ol’ pig skin, commericals and some friendly or maybe not-so friendly competition. As a complete hater of football (to clarify, I don’t hate all sports), game day is actually the worst. There’s a few stages of grief for the average non-fan, and I am here to walk you through them.
Every year it starts off this way. I always say I am going to watch the game and ENJOY it, even it is the last thing I do. So, borrow that jersey and get your game face on. It’s game time.
Of course, I am going to party hard regardless of who wins. What do I have to lose? Nothing! That’s the best part of being a non-fan. There’s no way I can be disappointed. I’ll probably walk in as Right Shark and leave as Left Shark– too many snacks get to my brain.
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Cool, lots of men in tight pants running and tossing a ball. Invigorating! So much action! Wow! I am so unimpressed. I hate this game already and it’s been less than a minute on the clock. Honestly, I’d rather be watching paint dry it goes a little faster than this quarter will. I have to try and keep my spirits up; we have a few hours to go.
Who am I kidding? This sucks. Why did I agree to this?
Who is eating all of the wings? Oh wait, that’s me. There are so many options here tonight: chips, wings, tortilla chips, green dip, nachos, orange chips, mozzarella sticks, some other kind of dip and are those mini hot dogs? There is so much food here. I am going to have to be rolled out.
Every time someone scores though, Jamie accidentally knocks over my entire plate with excitement. I would much rather be watching something else at home with my cat in bed.
Nice! Cool! Advertising for things I don’t even want to want! What do I even need GoDaddy for? There are so many ads for things and people I don’t care about. This is great. Kidding.
I don’t even like Doritos that much. This commercial isn’t going to make me buy any more.
This is the only redeeming part of the entire Super Bowl! I hate when everyone says, “but, this is never going to be better than Beyonce’s performance that year!” Honestly, shut up. She is Beyonce. Lady Gaga is going to be amazing too. Let’s just chill with the Beyonce references though.
Woah, girl slay. Can Joe stop telling us all that the performer is not as good as Beyonce?! He doesn’t even listen to her on a regular basis. People need to chill with Beyonce. I love her, but we can’t have her every year!
Football fans drive me bonkers. Why yell at the TV? They can’t hear you. I get that you’re releasing your frustrations or whatever, but maybe consider doing some yoga instead.
Seriously, I have no idea what is going on and now I don’t even care who wins. I think I am going to….
I quit, this is no different than any other football game I have ever watched. I am going to stick with basketball and baseball and never give a flip about this dumb sport again– until next year. As a non-fan I will never understand the appeal of this game. Maybe I’ll learn, but probably not.