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I recently bitched out Martha Stewart for calling our generation lazy, but damn, maybe I spoke too soon. A recent study published by The Washington Post has uncovered that a huge percent of millennials are virgins who probably can’t drive either.
To be honest, whoever conducted this study totally did not include any participants with mentalities or lifestyles at all similar to most of the people I know. I bet these researchers stood outside of an AP extra advanced pre-med organic chemistry extra credit final and grabbed their test subjects on their way out, but whatever…here’s the embarrassing results.
The number of sexually inactive adults have DOUBLED in the past 30 years. 15% of our peers aged 20-24 haven’t gotten it in since they were 18 years-old. I can’t even imagine how horny these people must be. Our grandparents got laid more that today’s millennials! In the 1960’s only 6% of 20-24 year-olds hadn’t had sex since their 18th year.
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Think that’s a trip? Get this! 19% of college students today are virgins! In the ’60’s only 6% of college kids were virgins. How is anyone ok with this? At least you now have a punchy comeback when your grandparents pester you about why you’re not married yet.
Maybe if everyone got laid a little more our country would be in less turmoil. Sex gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t commit heinous acts of violence…they just don’t! Take it from Elle Woods, she graduated top of her Harvard Law class…duhh.
Why has our generation turned into the prudest group of homies since the Puritans? Actually scratch that, colonists were totally getting it on. Anyway, Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University looked into our sexual un-liberation. Twenge thinks that this low libido lifestyle is inspired by how much later we do everything, like getting married and poppin’ out offspring, nowadays. Twenge wrote about the late start effect saying:
For a long time we’ve known that young adults are taking longer to get married, have kids, buy houses, have a stable job – all those so-called adult milestones are happening later,” she said. “Being 20 to 24 is not what it used to be – it used to be that a lot of them, especially women, were married at that time, or were living with someone and were living independently of their parents. 20-year-olds are like what 16-year-olds used to be.
Twenge has another hypothesis as well. The researcher believes that sex might be losing its appeal. Have her interview subjects even had sex? Do they know what they’re missing out on? Whatever, I’ll simmer down. Here’s Jean’s asexuality theory:
There is a probability that we’re looking at a small subset of the population that ends up being asexual, that as society is becoming more accepting of different choices, it’s more okay to say, ‘I’m just not a sexual person.
Finally, Twenge gave my a laugh. Her last theory about our un-fuckable generation is that dating/hooking up “ends up putting a lot of importance on physical appearance, and that, I think, is leaving out a large section of the population.” So basically, if your not getting laid I’m pretty sure Jean just called you ugly.
The Washington Post went on to bring in some real life millennials to share their thoughts on this matter, and suddenly these results make sense. I vibe with the ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it all’ thing on this subject. I respect these peoples’ choices, but I don’t agree. Here’s a direct excerpt from the article, and I think it really speaks for itself about what type of person contributed to this virginal study.
Noah Patterson, 18, likes to sit in front of several screens simultaneously: a work project, a YouTube clip, a video game. To shut it all down for a date or even a one-night stand seems like a waste. ‘For an average date, you’re going to spend at least two hours, and in that two hours I won’t be doing something I enjoy,’ he said.He has never had sex, although he likes porn. ‘I’d rather be watching YouTube videos and making money.’ Sex, he said, is ‘not going to be something people ask you for on your résumé.’
Noah Patterson, 18, likes to sit in front of several screens simultaneously: a work project, a YouTube clip, a video game. To shut it all down for a date or even a one-night stand seems like a waste. ‘For an average date, you’re going to spend at least two hours, and in that two hours I won’t be doing something I enjoy,’ he said.
He has never had sex, although he likes porn. ‘I’d rather be watching YouTube videos and making money.’ Sex, he said, is ‘not going to be something people ask you for on your résumé.’
Yes, because I’m always thinking about my resume. Like what? Can you even imagine saying something like this: ‘Hey (insert booty call here) I would love to come over, but I can’t put having an orgasm on my resume so I’ll catch ya when you have a career and are making six figures minimum.’
Another millennial who spoke to The Post, Alexandra Wolff, 19, explained her lack of sexual desires and virgin status saying:
I don’t involve myself in the scene of frat parties and hookup culture . . . but it seems like every other option is so time-consuming and very hard to seek out. It’s not like I’m saving myself for anything; it’s more like, I’ve been busy.
Unlike me, Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and chief scientific adviser to the dating site Match.com doesn’t think Noah or Alexandra’s attitudes are that weird. Fisher told The Post:
It’s a highly motivated, ambitious generation. A lot of them are afraid that they’ll get into something they can’t get out of and they won’t be able to get back to their desk and keep studying.
What happened to teenage rebellion??!? You guys are getting soft. Is college not THE place for sexual liberation and exploration anymore? Whoever conducted this study should try the population of Boston College on for size. Seriously kids, if you’re not getting it on because you want to “get back to your desk and keep studying,” grow a pair. The studying will always be there, your youthful beauty (and libido) won’t. Don’t waste your youth while your young!
~*~ "looking rough and living strange" ~*~