Bar crawlers, assemble! It’s time to review the ten stages of going out to bars in downtown Denver. #lit #squad #goals #squadgoals #squadsolit
The key to a magical night full of shenanigans is the pregame. It sets the tone for the rest of the night. Also, a lot of important strategizing happens during the pregame. For instance, the squad elects an Alpha, the person who decides how you get there, when you leave, and what bars you hit. Bonus Pro Tip: before beginning Stage 1, leave a big glass of water by your bed. When you get home, try to remember to chug it before passing out.
2. The Journey Downtown
Do you spend money on an Uber or drunkenly navigate public transportation? As your squad embarks on the quest, the pregame drinks start kicking in. You say things like “lit” and “slay” and ignore the little voice in the back of your mind that’s pleading with you to stop acting like you’re on Broad City.
3. The First Bar
You gauge the crowd as you make your way to the bartender. Holy shit there are a lot of people out. Are we the youngest people here? You should stick with gin since that’s what you drank during the pregame, but you say “fuck it” and buy your squad a round of tequila shots.
4. Having To Go To The Restroom
The one downside of the pregame is having to pee as soon as you’re finally at the first bar. I’m not sure what it’s like for men to use bar restrooms, but for women, drunken bathroom breaks are just so special. As you wait in line for one of the two stalls to become available, you compliment random girls’ outfits. Once in the stall, you’ll encounter some meme-worthy bathroom graffiti if you’re lucky.
5. Hitting The Dance Floor
Everything has been building up to this moment. You’ve got a solid buzz, an empty bladder, and they’re playing throwback music to appeal to millennials’ nostalgia obsession. Your squad is already dancing as you run up to them and burst into the middle of the dance circle. They all exclaim something like “O-OH!” and “Heeeeeeeee-eeeeeyyy!” but as you start moving to the beat you realize you weren’t prepared with a solid move so you do the bare minimum for ten seconds and then awkwardly inch your way to the side.
6. The Walk To The Second Bar
The Alpha decides your squad ought not get too attached to Bar Number One. You start walking with your friends toward the exit but realize you haven’t finished your drink. You chug the rest of it before making a really cool facial expression as you toss the empty cup in the garbage. Wait, when did I switch to beer? As you ramble on to Bar Number Two, one person in your squad keeps getting distracted and lagging behind. If you’re that friend, you cheerfully say hello to strangers as you pass them on the street until you get weird vibes from one dude and decide you should keep up with the squad.
7. The Food Truck Rally
The smell of french fries and cigarette smoke must mean there’s a food truck rally nearby. Hark! The glorious offering on wheels attracts the drunken masses that assemble into distinct clusters on the sidewalk while they smoke, eat, and converse. You’re a bit too drunk to socialize, so you fall back on a vacuous smile and Rick and Morty quotes.
8. The Third Bar
At this point, your night is either getting increasingly more fun, or you’re starting your downward spiral into gin-induced despair. By now, you’ve befriended about 57 strangers. Also, you’ve started checking your phone more, thinking about texting that person you swore you wouldn’t booty call. Instead of texting them, you add a bunch of Snapchats to your story to show them how fun-loving you are. They’re not going to look at your story.
9. Last Call/Closing
Oh, the humanity. One moment, you’re surrounded by tipsy people, ranting to some stranger about a documentary on the Titanic. The next, you’re being herded out of the bar like cattle. A look of relief washes across the stranger’s face now that they have an excuse to stop talking to you. They were basic anyways. You check in with your squad to make sure everyone gets home safe.
10. The Uber Ride Home
Whether you’re going back to your place or. . . someone else’s (bow chicka wow), you have to Uber it back. Hopefully, you remembered to charge your phone during the pregame. If you’re going back solo, you’re probably thinking about the frozen pizza you have and are already dreading having to wait for the oven to preheat. Your Uber driver will likely be super nice, but you’ll forget to give them a 5 star rating until the next time you use the app.
Thank god you put that glass of water by your bed earlier. As long as you’re home, safe and hydrated, the night was a success!