Ever wanted to get out of a certain situation, but couldn’t think of a good enough excuse? Well read on, because I’m going to give you one.
I’ve been getting a lot of nosebleeds lately. I’m not sure why (maybe it’s the weather, I don’t know), but I seem to switch between nosebleed and non-nosebleed phases in my life. One year, I’ll get a bunch of nosebleeds, and then the next three years I won’t get any. It’s weird.
Anyways, the last time I was in a nosebleed phase was my freshman year of high school, and the recent nosebleeds I’ve been getting have caused a flood of memories to gush back into my mind, much like the blood from my nose gushes onto a fresh tissue. (Was that gross? Sorry.) Freshman year I would get nosebleeds every day—sometimes multiple times a day—and I would have to leave class so often to go to the bathroom that it got to the point where I could just hold a tissue up to my nose and run out of the room, and my teachers would know what was going on. The nosebleeds eventually petered out and I stopped getting them altogether, but naturally, I continued to use them as an excuse. What can I say? Knowledge and power breed corruption—a 13-year-old is no exception to this rule.
I never used the nosebleed excuse for anything serious (except once when I used it in the middle of a difficult Spanish test). I mostly just used it to leave class if I was feeling overwhelmed, or if I wanted to stop by another lunch period for a little while. One time I broke up with my boyfriend in the middle of theatre class, and used the nosebleed excuse so I could avoid seeing him for the rest of the day. Stuff like that.
The best thing about the nosebleed excuse is that any person can use it, even if they’ve never had a nosebleed in their life. All you have to do is hold a tissue up to your nose, look a little panicked, and run out of the room. There’s a sense of urgency associated with gushing blood, even if it’s harmless. There’s also a sense of disgust associated with blood, noses, and blood in noses. No one is going to ask you to show them the tissue for proof, because they probably wouldn’t want to see it, and they wouldn’t want to be the jerk to stop someone from running to clean up their bloody nose. This excuse is also versatile because nosebleeds have different levels of severity, and last for different lengths of time. It can be molded to any situation.
Here are some scenarios where the nosebleed method would be applicable:
1. You get to class and realize you forgot your homework. Fake a nosebleed and run home to get it.
2. Someone asks you out, and you don’t know what to say. Grab a tissue and run.
3. You’re too tired to go out with your friends, but you don’t want to seem not-fun. Say you have a bad nosebleed.
4. You are playing a high stakes game of scrabble against a millionaire, and you have bet $1000. You don’t have $1000 to spare, and can’t afford to lose. You can’t think of a 3-letter word that starts with Q. Fake a nosebleed and look it up in the bathroom. It’s okay.
5. You are in H&M and have spent an hour trying on clothes. You decide to buy 10 items. You wait in the very long line and finally get to the counter. When the cashier finishes ringing up all of your items, you realize you forgot to bring money with you. There are at least 25 people waiting behind you. You don’t want to look like a complete idiot. Say “oh my goodness!” and hold a tissue up to your face. Then run out of the store.
The possibilities are endless. If you choose to use this method, try to use it wisely, and sparingly. I don’t want to see a bunch of crazy people running around with tissues to their faces, trying to avoid all of their responsibilities. Also, use it for good. I don’t want to see “nosebleed” showing up everywhere as a popular alibi in future murder trials. That would really ruin this whole thing for me. Just use it when you absolutely need it, and I hope that it helps. Also, don’t thank me, thank my messy-but-lovable nose.