With the faint tinkle of jingle bells, December has arrived. Despite your frantic attempts, there is nothing you can do to stop time. Turkey season has ended. Farewell, November 2016. We had some good times and…er…
a lot of bad times.
But anyways, December! Scary stuff. But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here’s an introduction to the last month of the year so you know What to Expect for You, Your Family, and Your Pet Iguana.
1. December comes from decem, which means 10, because it used to be the tenth month of the year.
Source. Yes, my source is Wikipedia. So what? We all have bigger things to worry about.
What this means for you: Trivia.
What this means for your family: When you tell them this they’ll say “Yeah, I know” and then you can be offended for a few minutes.
What this means for your pet iguana: After you get mad at your family, you will find solace in stroking his scaly back.
2. It might be cold.
Depending on where you live, December could be in the season known as winter. However, it might also be summer. Before reading this article, please verify whether or not you are in Australia.
Now check the temperature. You might want to try sticking your bare foot out the door. Is it cold? It’ll probably get colder! If it’s hot, maybe you live in California, or South Africa, or other parts (the majority) of the planet. If it’s hot but supposed to be cold, check if the globe is warming.
What this means for you: Wear a scarf.
What this means for your family: They can buy you a scarf as a holiday present and you will probably be very grateful.
What this means for your pet iguana: The poor little reptile is cold blooded! Give him a blanket. Knit him a sweater!
3. You will experience Christmas music
Sorry to break it to you. You’re going to hear it, you will almost certainly get it stuck in your head, and you may even sing it. There is nothing you can do about this.
Avoidance only works until you set foot inside a car, shopping mall, friend’s house, or doctor’s office. Big Santa will find you, and he’s taken over the airwaves.
What this means for you: You will begin to irrationally hate Michael Bublé.
What this means for your family: There will be one family member who insists that Christmas music “sets the mood” and will then be forcibly ejected from the house.
What this means for your pet iguana: According to this poorly-formatted article, reptiles can hear (though not as well as humans). So, your poor iguana is probably suffering alongside you.
4. There will be memes
As I’m sure you are aware, December is the last month of the year. That means 2016 is almost over!
You may have noticed that the internet hates 2016. December is going to be filled with “It’s almost over” memes. Now, this might be comforting and bring the warm holiday cheer that only a good meme can. But, it may also be horrifying, especially as January 1st approaches and it becomes clear that 2017 will not be much of an improvement.
What this means for you: Plenty of dank memes.
What this means for your family: Plenty of confused adults.
What this means for your pet lizard: Honestly…probably nothing.
Essays and projects and exams, oh my! Plus, overspending on Starbucks holiday drinks with the justification that, who cares anymore? It’s cold and miserable and you need caffeine.
What this means for you: Panic.
What this means for your family: Ill-timed phone calls.
What this means for your pet lizard: It doesn’t get the concept of finals. It doesn’t understand why you no longer spend any time with it. All it can do is sit in its glass cage, watching you from across the room, sad and lonely.
And there you have it!
That’s December! Cold, stressful, and filled with Christmas music! Let’s not forget the pointless outrage at every little thing, the family arguments, the war on Christmas, and the usual kerfuffle about the Starbucks holiday cups.
It’s going to be great!