They only want your attention when you’re in a hurry, they haggle you for money, and they make you feel guilty for ignoring them. I’m not talking about homeless people or that guy who stands on the corner of the street and wants to talk to you about saving the pandas. This is a much more dangerous beast; one with significantly more firepower that comes in the form of vest-clad elementary school girls. I’m talking, of course, about the Girl Scouts of America.
Girl Scout cookie season is finally here, which means inevitable guilt for everyone. Seriously, it’s like these kids train all year to make sure you feel like a total asshole if you don’t buy their cookies. The younger they are, the guiltier you’ll feel.
If you’re like me and happen to be a total sucker for kids, the absolute worst feeling is having to say no to the Daisy Scouts. They’re usually kindergartners. A kindergartner could try to sell me a fresh piece of dog crap and I’d probably buy it if I’m being honest.
I’m not so sure that the Girl Scouts are really who they say they are. Let me tell you why this organization has made me question everything I once believed about wanting children in the future.
The other day I was walking to meet my sister for lunch when I saw some Girl Scouts and their mothers on the street selling cookies. I’m always broke as hell so I only had about $12 with me, which was just enough to cover my meal. Naturally I didn’t plan on buying any cookies so I could save the measly amount of cash in my pockets. I knew the little girl standing at her booth was going to ask me if I wanted to buy cookies, but I kept walking and prepared myself to turn her down.
I tensed up when I finally heard those words I had been dreading for the last 30 seconds: “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”
At this point I was thinking to myself, “No. Don’t say it. Don’t say yes, you piece of sh-”
“Yes I’ll take two boxes of Thin Mints please,” the words came out of my mouth, but I swear I didn’t voluntarily say them. A huge grin spread across the little girl’s face as I stared at her in astonishment.
At this point I realized the Girl Scouts are something far more sinister than your average 7-year-old girls who play with Barbie and have tea parties with stuffed animals.
I gave my money to the spawn of Satan standing in front of me and walked away feeling like a failure. If you thought this was the worst part of my day, you’re wrong. Because of my encounter with the Girl Scouts, I had to borrow money from my sister to pay for lunch. If you have a sibling, you know he or she is the last person you want to borrow money from because it just gives them one more reason to irritate the hell out of you.
The next logical step after I ate lunch was to go home and eat those devil cookies I just bought. I’m not going to lie, they were delicious. I ate those Thin Mints until I puked, and honestly I’d do it again.
Regardless of who (or what) the Girl Scouts may actually be, their cookies are delicious, and you can only buy them once a year. Everyone loves Girl Scout cookies: stressed-out students, hungry stoners, parents. When you inevitably buy one or two—or ten—boxes of Thin Mints, you’ll go home and eat a whole box and feel even guiltier than you would have if you’d never bought them in the first place. It happens to the best of us.
I’ve eaten my fair share of these cookies, and I consider myself somewhat of a Girl Scout cookie connoisseur. Having said this, let’s get one last thing straight: not all Girl Scout cookies are created equal. Thin Mints are definitively the master race of Girl Scout cookies, followed by Caramel DeLites and Peanut Butter Patties. Then there are the ones that everybody hates because they’re just downright awful and look like crap. I realize I just described Duke students, but I’m actually referring to Rah-Rah Raisins. The only place those cookies belong is in the trash can.
To help everyone out there survive cookie season, I’ve provided a short step-by-step guide on how to deal with the Girl Scouts:
Step 1: Scope out the area for potential enemy activity.
Step 2: Evade the enemy at all costs. Run away if necessary.
Step 3: Inevitably get ambushed despite your best efforts.
Step 4: Surrender and buy a box of Thin Mints.
Step 5: Consume box contents immediately to destroy all evidence of your defeat.
Step 6: Cry.