Find out how 10 minutes in Starbucks feels for a girl who isn’t BASIC.
‘Tis the season TO BE BASIC. TO BE Hunter rain boots straight from Dad’s wallet. TO BE puffy vests whose utility gets questioned every year (do those actually keep anyone warm?) TO BE leggings and long sleeve “sorority girl” style t-shirts. TO BE beanies that sit perfectly on one’s head and sunglasses to block out the haters. TO BE Vera Bradley wallet in left hand and the ever iconic “basic” symbol you all know and love… “Starbs” in the right.
But what happens when the season of BASIC hits and you’re, well… not BASIC?
You still wear your UGG boots that have been out of style for three years now because they’re functional and keep your feet warm. You rock that heavy winter coat you took with you on that ski trip five years ago. Ski-lift tags still attached, obviously. You wear sweatshirts instead of long sleeve shirts and pull your stocking cap all the way over your head. You wear sunglasses you found in your car one time and still carry your cheetah print wallet from that music festival when cheetah print was definitely IN.
There’s nothing wrong with your un-BASIC style and for nine months of the year, no one can really tell the difference between you and your BASIC best friend… that is until BASIC season rolls around and then well… you stick out like a BASIC girl NOT carrying a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.
Speaking of Starbucks… yeah, you know it but the truth is, you can count how many times you’ve been there on one hand. While you admit their Frappuccino’s are to die for, your un-BASIC Keurig with the Starbucks refills will serve you just fine.
Except on the day you slept through your alarm due to a long night of watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. re-runs and you are forced to venture into BASIC territory, into the land they rule.
That’s right, Starbucks.
As soon as you walk through the door, you’re immersed. The smell of coffee enters your soul as the colors of green, white and brown fill your line of vision. You start to get a little dizzy and wonder if the transformation to being BASIC has begun.
You’re about to wave your white flags, throw in the towel and laugh off these hilarious two minutes that you ACTUALLY thought you were going through with this when two BASIC girls strut in, forcing you forward in line.
You quickly check how many people are ahead and do a careful calculation to figure out you’ve got five minutes before an order must be placed.
Looking at the menu, you get dizzy again and wonder why Starbucks doesn’t have chairs for the non-BASIC girls standing in line. You make a mental note to email them the suggestion later.
As you try to focus, the two BASIC girls behind you start panicking over what filter to use for their, “You’re the Pumpkin of my eye!! #pumpkinpatch #mylove #friendsbychoice #sistersbychoice #twins #cold #fall #beanies #vests #love #yas” instagram photo.
Blue beanie BASIC girl thinks “Ludwig” is seriously the cutest while knee-high socks with UGGS BASIC girl thinks black and white is vintage.
You start to contemplate your own filter choosing skills when Eminem’s “Snap back to reality!” line runs through your unbelievably non-BASIC mind.
Side note: What ever happened to Eminem?
Anyways, as to not disappoint Slim Shady, you do snap back only to realize you’ve wasted time and are now down to four minutes.
Back to the menu and it’s a blur. You try to decide if it’s because you can’t read the five point font or if you’re going into cardiac arrest from Starbucks stress.
Hmmm..cardiac arrest…I mean…your heart IS beating faster…and your left arm DOES feel a bit numb…
You picture it now: “Death by Starbucks” written across your tombstone. “If only she were BASIC”
Out of the corner of your eye, you swear you see a big stop-watch sitting above the case of cake pops and…is that Jigsaw standing in the corner?
Inching closer to the counter, you gain more confidence. No, you may not be BASIC but you’ve definitely got this. Heck, you saved a kitten from a burning tree while running that marathon last summer and STILL won. You’ve got this.
You don’t got this. You don’t got this. You don’t got this.
You still haven’t made a decision, in fact you’ve been too busy looking at the croissants and scones to even care about coffee. Why did you come in here again? Whatever screw it, you think, I’ll just ask the person working what he likes.
“Hi, what can I get ya?”
You think the end of your journey is near, only to realize it’s just beginning. The counter. You’ve made it. You stare down the cashier who is smiling a little too big for 9 a.m. There’s a sparkle in his eye and a smiley face at the end of his name tag. You hate him.
The Jeporady theme song starts playing through your headphones.
Weird, you think.
“Uhhh..” you say as you stare at the menu of desserts hidden in coffee form.
Smiley face cashier continues to smile. BASIC filter girls behind you start to get anxious and you start to get sweaty.
“I think i’ll just have…”
Your mind spins: Frappuccino, Cappuccino, Espresso, Tall, Skinny, Grande, Iced Coffee, Hot Coffee, Smoothies, Refreshers, Teas, 2%, Whole, Whipped, Blended, Frizzio.
A voice comes from the corner, “Hello, I’d like to play a game…”
You’re now fully convinced you’re in a SAW movie.
You look around the coffee house for answers only to be disappointed by the cashier’s beaming smile.
“You know what? Just give me a black coffee,” you say confidently to the now confused look on the cashier’s face.
The two BASIC girls behind you snicker but you… you are okay because you have survived.
You are a confident, independent, non-BASIC girl who does not need the triple-blended java chip frappuccino with two shots of espresso, 1/2 skim, 1/2 whole with a tiny bit of cinnamon sprinkled on top.
You know who you are and you…are okay with that.